I feel like I’ve been obsessing over finding a ‘one on one’ style running coach for a really long time.

My draft folder and notes app were full of rants about finding the perfect person like the voiceover of that best friend in lame 90’s rom com with thousands of bridesmaids dresses in her closet or an unflattering hair cut and glasses that just needed to be fixed in order to find that special someone (I posted one only recently so I could follow up with the learnings here today)

It didn’t really occur to me to go back to someone who had previously said no.

I’d asked a lot of people.

I’d recalibrated my budget.

I’d put myself out there.

They all said no.

Those who were nice enough to reply mostly said they weren’t taking on athletes or their roster was full. But with some, their socials indicated that were clearly taking on athletes, just not ones like me.

Some didn’t reply at all.

Some started the conversation and then ghosted me.

It was disappointing and frustrating. I guess I didn’t really expect it. I didn’t think it was about me, they didn’t have to like me, I was paying them to be my friend after all. I took it really personally, even though rationally I know it wasn’t.

Hey Siri, play “what about me” by Shannon Knoll.

I resigned myself to this idea that I wouldn’t find a coach and started buying coaching books and listening to those annoying running podcasts where they talk about training and workout structure in an attempt to learn more and coach myself, it works for some of the best in the world I thought.

But one day in May, I had a weird burst of courage and thought I would reach out to folks who had previously said no or not right now.

Imagine my thrill when the very first person I asked said yes.

I suddenly had a coach, a coaching call and a program with someone I loved and really wanted to work with.

I suddenly had rules and accountability.

I suddenly had everything that I had wanted and yet I also felt this overwhelming suffocation and need to rebel. I didn’t want to be told what to do!

Standard, I thought. I might have a coach but I’m still me.

I like to think of myself as a rule following rebel.

I like structure, but I also see the world in shades of grey and often wonder which lines can be coloured outside of and enjoy discussing the interpretation of said boundaries and rules.

Every law has series of case laws interpreting their definitions, interpretations and meanings. No rule is black and white, more a spectrum of grey.

It’s true, a lot of people find this very very annoying.

But it turns out Final Surge is very black and white, or should I say red or green. You do your job you get a green man, you don’t and you get a red man. And yes, the apparent gender of this formulation also pisses me off.

On one hand, I want that green man so badly but on the other hand I also want to do my own thing. If I feel good, I want to run faster or longer. I want to run with my dogs or take them for a walk and not get yelled at my the algorithm.

But outside of the need to conform to the app, I also have this weird desire to do what I’m told. I want that tick of approval, that gold star, that “good girl”. The pathological people pleaser rears its ugly head.

I don’t want to upset my coach, I trust her and her programming, I don’t want her to think I don’t or that I don’t value the effort she puts into it, but sometimes I have to catch myself for thinking I know better and have to remind myself that I’ve been running for a long time and not seem a whole heap of improvements doing what I’m doing!

It’s been about 10 weeks now and I think I’ve finally settled into a rhythm with it.

I’m prioritizing my training and then adding in run/walks or just walks with the dogs in and around it. I’m a little bit less attached to that red and green man and I have no clue how Garmin calculates its workout execution score. Sometimes I’m bang on the prescription and it still fails me!

I’m doing my best to trust the process and keep my eye on the actual prize, a Western States Qualifier at Taupo 100 k in October.

My coach is super supportive, even sending doing recce runs on the course and sending me videos of what I can expect. It will probably be dark when I get to that section so it’s nice to see it in the daylight. The solution, run faster!

It’s been a fun process of self assessment. I don’t think I’d go so far as to say I’m coachable but I think I’m making progress, which in this sport, is the whole point.